i woke up this morning, trying to hide my melancholy. i joined you for breakfast and we continued our lie. everyday it is similar, you are cheery and so am i. our terrible lie. can u imagine a time when we wake up and did not speak, realizing our moods would cause tension cause by too little life? i do wish sometimes as i leave for work sullenly dreading the day already weeping far within. the lie, terrible and unending would cease to be and i would know the real you and you, the real me. but, the lie drags on for now for it is not written in the stars and perhaps it will never be. i am my own companion. the dreaded trurth gathered in a life time sentenced for and enternity realized too late.

lately i've been really ... lost. i know i have not "look or sound" lost but i surely am inside. it's a feeling i dont think i could ever explain. it's like you're missing something in your life. it's like it will never be complete. i know it's human nature to always want. greed. but heck, recently it's really been ... ups and downs for me. i feel like i've broked more hearts in a month than any normal person would. it just pains me inside that i am this kind of person that would just not take ... sigh ... would just not take himself seriously.

sometimes it's really hard to fake it around people you know and care about. the constant jokes and humility just kicks in all of a sudden but heck, as a friend you'll just have to keep it in and laugh it up or else everyone else will call you a spoilt sport. i've been on this earth long enough to know how friendship goes. 19 years of pure mayhem towards friends, family, enemies, lovers, bastards and ex's.

i just wish i could end it all but hey, if it was that easy, we wouldnt be having dreams now would we? everything is and has been a challenge for me. what a wonderful path i have walked ever since i was born. the happiness, sadness, tears, sarcasm, fights, love, sex, and much more. sigh.

i still dont know why but there will always be an emptiness in me. i just dont know what is it so i can fill it up and not feel this way. sigh...im lost.

rick.